


Jade Harley's Very Yaoi Life

by traceExcalibur



Series: Jade Harley's Very Yaoi Series [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/F, Parody, Pesterlog
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-20
Updated: 2012-02-20
Packaged: 2017-10-31 12:26:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/344049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/traceExcalibur/pseuds/traceExcalibur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p></p><blockquote>
  <p>EB: and who are you going with?<br/>GG: rose!<br/>EB: aha, i knew you had a crush on her!<br/>GG: what!!!!!<br/>GG: no we are just going as friends, ok?<br/>GG: no lesbo!!</p>
</blockquote>What if you were to take a lot of DaveJohn cliches, throw in a few JohnKat cliches as well, and then swap Jade and Rose in as the protagonists? You'd get this fic, that's what.
            </blockquote>





	Jade Harley's Very Yaoi Life

**Author's Note:**

> Written for this prompt on the kink meme: http://homesmut.livejournal.com/15023.html?thread=29970607

Your name is JADE HARLEY, and you are feeling very excited. This is because SKAIA HIGH’S annual BALL OF PROSPIT is quickly approaching, and you are going to have a blast and a half hanging out with all of your friends! You will, if she accepts, be attending the ball with your BESTEST GALPAL, a pretty young woman by the name of ROSE LALONDE. You and she will spend a lot of time DANCING and CHATTING and generally BEING MERRY. It will almost be like a date – but it most certainly is not, no way! That is because you are definitely, beyond any shadow of a doubt, NOT A HOMOSEXUAL.

You suppose you could understand why somebody would think so, as you spend all your time hanging out with Rose. But you are just friends and nothing more! And besides, you do spend maybe a couple days each month hanging out with your GREAT GUYFRIENDS John and Dave, and you talk to them online sometimes. That counts, right?

Oh, speak of the devil – one of them is PESTERING YOU.

**Jade: Answer chum.**

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 14:26 --

EB: oh man, jade, are you excited about the ball of prospit?

EB: it is going to be completely wicked, in the best ways.

EB: aaaaaaaall the 8est ways, you might say.

EB: (heheheh.)

GG: yes i am super excited!!! :D

GG: and im guessing based on that statement that you are going with………..

GG: vriska!!

EB: no way, i’m totally going with dave.

EB: he and i are gonna kiss all night long.

EB: (jk!!)

GG: lol! :p

EB: and who are you going with?

GG: rose!

EB: aha, i knew you had a crush on her!

GG: what!!!!!

GG: no we are just going as friends, ok?

GG: no lesbo!!

EB: i dunno, jade.

EB: i think you might be a little lesbo.

GG: what makes you say that?

EB: well, you’re always hanging out with rose.

GG: because we are galpals!!

EB: and you touch her butt a lot when you guys hug.

EB: and there’s been times when you kissed her.

EB: on the lips.

GG: ok first of all her butt is just really soft, ok??

GG: and second of all girls kiss other girls all the time!!!!

EB: yeah, on the cheek maybe.

EB: or in porno movies.

GG: ughhhh XC

GG: john i am just not a homosexual ok?? D:<

EB: well, ok.

EB: you don’t have to be.

EB: you could be, like, bi or something, i dunno.

EB: that’s a thing, isn’t it? i think it’s a thing.

EB: i should go ask rose if it’s a thing.

GG: :\

GG: john i dont think im bisexual either

EB: are you sure? well, i’m going to ask rose anyways.

EB: wait, no.

EB:  _you_  should ask rose!

EB: and then you could, like, make some vague flirty gestures and find out if she likes you or not.

EB: that’ll totally work, trust me. rose is all up on vagueness and telling people who they want to kiss and that kind of stuff.

GG: are you even listening to me??? >:(

GG: i dont want to kiss rose

GG: we are best friends and nothing more than that!!

EB: well, fine, jade. but i don’t see what the big problem with being a lesbian is.

EB: hell, if you and rose start dating, i’ll be super happy for you guys!

EB: and it’ll be kind of hot, too.

EB: but mostly it’ll be happy!

GG: john just

GG: can you just shut up please??

EB: ok.

EB: shutting up in t-minus three…

EB: two…

EB: one…

EB: pchoooooooo!!!!!!!!

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 14:32 –

You have no idea where the hell John thinks he has the right to tell you what your sexuality is. You are 100% totally convinced that you are straight. Why would you be anything else? And all of those kisses have either been PLATONIC or ACCIDENTAL, he should know that!

**Jade: Flashback.**

You are JADE HARLEY, tenth grader, and you are goddamn determined to win the 12th ANNUAL SKAIANET SCIENCE FAIR. Science is YOUR THING, or at the very least, ONE OF YOUR THINGS, and you want to prove to the world – that is, to your classmates – that you know your stuff when it comes to nuclear physics. Your project for this year is a PORTABLE COOKALIZER. It stores various foodstuffs using compression technology, and then cooks them until they are ready to be eaten. (Or heavily irradiated. Whichever you prefer.) The cookalizer runs using URANIUM BATTERIES, meaning it is entirely portable. It is really quite the useful device.

Your competition is fierce. EQUIUS ZAHHAK, robotic genius, is ready to unveil his latest in a series of BUTLERBOTS. He is known for adding some rather creepy special features to his robots, and you hope that might influence the judges’ votes. SOLLUX CAPTOR is doing a project about computer coding, and he can run codes to do some of the most amazing – and sometimes destructive – things. It is his project that you fear the most. ERIDAN AMPORA’S offering is a large trifold presentation on THE SCIENCE OF MAGIC. Or is it THE MAGIC OF SCIENCE? You are not quite sure, but you know that he at least is going to be easy to beat.

The three judges – the principal, your science teacher, and a lady from Skaianet Labs, Inc. – circle around your school gymnasium, lending their watchful eyes to each project in turn. When they arrive at your table, you try your best to hold your nerves back as you explain and demonstrate the cookalizer’s functions. They all seem very impressed, and scribble notes about your project down on their clipboards.

You spend the entire deliberation period on edge, wringing your hands nervously and awaiting the final decision. After what seems like an aeon watching the judges debate from inside their booth, the lady from Skaianet stands up. She takes hold of a microphone and clears her throat, brushing stringy, spiked hair from her eyes.

“On behalf of Skaia Senior High School and Skaianet Laboratories Incorporated, I, Helen Echidna, am pleased to announce that the winner of the 12th Annual Skaianet Science Fair is…”

Your breath hitches in your chest and your heart beats like mad.

“Jade Harley!”

Tears well up in your eyes and you nearly scream with joy as you dash up to the judge’s booth to accept your prize. You shake each of their hands eagerly, take the trophy (and 200 dollar check, but who cares about that?) and stammer out a heartfelt thank you. When you turn back around your friends are all waiting by the gym entrance. John waves and shouts, “Good job!”, and Dave nods coolly, and Rose shoots you a rare, beaming smile.

Overcome with happiness you run forwards to meet them. You meet them and embrace Rose, and in your excitement you bring your lips to hers. The kiss is warm and soft and sweet – and totally platonic!!! – and you pull away feeling tingly and ecstatic. You rush off to greet the rest of your friends, leaving Rose beet red and completely bewildered.

**Jade: Flashforward.**

Years in the future, (but only one) you are a member of the SKAIAN SHUFFLES, your school’s esteemed LACROSSE TEAM. It is the final bout between you and your rivals, THE FELT TIMEPIECES. Should you win – which you hope to – your team will go on to become the CITY LACROSSE CHAMPIONS. Tensions are high and there is a lot riding on this game. You cannot afford to lose.

The game goes smoothly at first and you are feeling amped, with your team 3 points ahead by the time you reach the halfway mark. The Timepieces begin to pick up the game as it draws closer to the finish, however, and a whopping four lucky shots in a row from Clover eventually lead to the match being tied 6-6 within the last minute of the match. Your team is starting to tire and they cannot afford to risk going into overtime. You need to win this match, _now._

Your team nears the enemy goalkeeper, a brute by the name of Cans. Your teammate Equius catches the ball with his stick and tries to swing it into the goal. Your heart leaps – with power like his, he will easily get it in and win the game for you – but then it shatters along with his stick as his poor equipment finally buckles under the pressure. The head of the stick topples over and the ball soars straight up into the air, Equius collapsing to the ground as both your teammates and the opponents gather around him, trying to catch the ball as it falls. Without a pause to think, adrenaline takes hold and you rush forwards, barrelling into the crowd, stepping onto Equius’ back and making a desperate leap. Your stick swings up and catches the ball before anyone can stop you, and you swing as hard as you can, launching it towards the goal. As you tumble to the ground you hear screaming and roars of applause, and you look up to see Cans staring at the net in disbelief.

The ball is nestled beautifully in a corner of the net. The referee is whistling the end of the game and the sound is heavenly. You’ve done it! You won! In a rush of voices and movement your teammates surround you and you are hugging and cheering and generally on top of the world. Your huddle carries you all the way to retrieve the trophy and then to the locker room, and you finally burst out of the stadium, sweaty and tired but overjoyed.

The first face you see when you leave is Rose’s, her gorgeous brown eyes sparkling almost as brightly as her smile. You speed towards her and in a flash your arms are wrapped around her back, your lips pressed tightly to hers. A magical – and totally platonic!!!! – feeling spreads across your entire body and the two of you embrace, and you pull away with a wet _pop~_. Rose is shocked and almost says something, but you give her no quarter, launching straight into excited babble about the game. By the time you are done, it seems she has forgotten what she was going to say.

**Jade: Flashforward further.**

Months in the future, but not many, a train is derailed off of the highway and smashes into Rose’s house. Amazingly, not a single human or creature is wounded in the aftermath of the disaster, and only Rose’s room is destroyed by the collision. As a result, she has to go stay at your house for a week while her room is rebuilt. Though you feel terrible about the inconvenience, you must admit you are quite excited by the prospect of hanging out with your BEST GALPAL for an entire week straight.

Rose arrives at your house with a suitcase full of fresh clothes and a mixed expression. She seems like she wants to smile, but the loss of a large chunk of her room has her feeling blue. She explains to you that a number of her favourite posters and some “sensitive documents” were totalled by the crash. You tell her that you will try to make up for the loss by showing her the “funnest weekend ever!!!” The declaration does manage to lift her spirits somewhat, and she waves goodbye to her mother before following you into your house.

You spend most of the day goofing around with Squiddles! toys, watching TV, and having pillow fights. Betwixt your fun and games, Rose flips through a novel that she brought with her. You read the back cover while she is not looking and discover that it is a romance novel about a girl who is madly in love with her female best friend, but says nothing because she is too afraid to lose their relationship. Huh, that’s an interesting book that she probably isn’t reading because it mirrors her own life situation! After all, Rose doesn't have a secret crush on you. That would be an absurd notion!

When night falls you snuggle up under the covers of your bed, which you are sharing – in a completely platonic way!!!! – and prepare to watch a Squiddles! movie. It’s the rare sequel to Squiddles!: The Day The Unicorn Couldn’t Play, which you had to import from Japan. It is one of your favourite movies and you talk about it almost as much as John talks about Con Air – which is to say, ALL THE FREAKING TIME. Rose snarks her way through most of the plot, pointing out factual inaccuracies, plot holes, and animation blunders, but you do not mind. That is one of the things you love so much about her!

Eventually, the credits roll up and the screen fades to black, but by that time you are already asleep, nuzzled up against her nice and tightly. When you awaken in the morning your hand is resting firmly atop one of her breasts. You give it an experimental squeeze – whoa, that feels kind of good! You know, in a platonic kind of way. You squeeze it again and she wakes up with a shock, rustling around in the bed and swinging her head to meet yours. Your lips accidentally bump against each other and you share A TOTALLY ACCIDENTAL KISS which happens to feel TOTALLY ACCIDENTALLY GOOD.

Rose blinks a few times and then extricates herself from you. “I…um, require ablution. Lots of it.” She mumbles, and she slinks away to take a shower.

**Jade: Enough with the flashbacks, already!**

You stop flashing back to all of the TOTALLY PLATONIC or ACCIDENTAL kisses that you’ve shared with Rose, and begin thinking of the future, instead. Mainly, you think of inviting Rose to the ball, which is something you should probably do, posthaste!

**Jade: Pester Rose.**

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 14:57

GG: heya galpal!!!! :D

TT: Hello, Jade.

TT: As always, my heart warms even in only your textual presence.

GG: hehehe

GG: my girlbuddy powers give me amazing heartwarming powers, dont deny it!!! >:D

TT: I wouldn’t dream of it.

GG: anyways

GG: i was wondering

GG: if you

GG: wanted

GG: to go to the ball of prospit with me???? :o

GG: no lesbo!!!

GG: just as friends of course!

TT: Oh.

TT: Er.

TT: Could you give me some time to weigh my options?

GG: what options? :O

GG: wait

GG: did somebody ask you out!!!

TT: I’ll get back to you in a moment.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 15:04 –

GG: :( ???

**Be Rose.**

You are now Rose. You have just received an invitation to the Ball of Prospit from your best friend Jade, an invitation which you would love to accept. You have only one problem – you are in secretly love with her. What if this pseudo-romantic evening drives a wedge through your heretofore perfect friendship? That would break your heart into a million pieces, and then throw those pieces into an incinerator just in case, and then the ashes would be jettisoned into deep space where they would freeze and slowly crumple into frozen stellar ash dust.

Maybe you should go to a friend for help. You think you know just who to talk to – your cool pal Dave, who is a master of irony and romance and who definitely knows how to woo all the ladies and solve any romantic entanglements.

**Rose: Pester Dave.**

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 15:05 --

TT: I have just received an invitation to the Ball of Prospit.

TT: An invitation delivered by one Miss Jade Harley under the classic guise: “Going just as friends”.

TT: Frankly, I’m not sure how to respond to this.

TT: Dave, are you there?

TT: Please answer me.

TT: I really do need your help.

TT: Dave.

TT: Where are you?

TT: I can’t leave her hanging forever, you know.

TG: sheesh ok im here

TG: god forbid a guy go to the bathroom

TT: And? Your advice?

TG: ok hang on imma check my dude handbook and see what it says

TG: it says what the fuck do you think you should do just say yes

TT: That’s what I’d like, but I am afraid it would make things awkward.

TT: I can never tell her of my affections for her, it could jeopardize our ideal friendship.

TG: ok first of all it is so obvious you like her

TG: there may as well be a big fucking neon sign above your heads

TG: spelling out in dazzling pink and green:

TG: (by dazzling i mean blinding jegus christ you two are so lesbo)

TG: hey

TG: these two girls want to bang

TT: I refuse to believe that I have so bluntly choreographed my feelings.

TT: And I doubt she feels the same way.

TG: shes kissed you like what five times now

TT: They were all during emotional highs.

TG: and you almost lost your virginity to her that one time

TT: We were playing “lesbian chicken” and she was determined to emerge victorious.

TG: ok dude

TG: how do i put this lightly

TG: she wants to tickle your pink

TT: She what?

TG: you know

TG: grab some scissors from the cabinet

TG: go diving for pearls and come up smelling like rose

TG: make the beast with two backs and four boobs

TG: do the horizontal safety dance

TG: get on the lalonde

TG: she wants to fuck you is basically what im saying here

TG: and you want to fuck her

TG: this is a match made in shitty yaoi heaven

TT: The term for two girls is “yuri”, Dave.

TG: ok whatever

TG: the point is

TG: go on the date with her

TT: Are you sure your advice isn’t fuelled by homoerotic fantasies?

TT: Perhaps you are more invested in our “yaoi” relationship than you would like to let on.

TG: well yeah

TG: its dude math

TG: one girl is hot two girls are hotter

TG: simple shit

TG: but holy fucking shit i actually also care about my friends and want them to be happy

TG: wow dave who wouldve thought??

TT: I see.

TT: Thank you, Dave.

TG: yeah no prob

TG: anyway i gotta go

TG: good luck with jade

TG: shes barricaded so far in the closet it aint funny

TG: peace

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 15:14 –

**Rose: Answer Jade.**

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 15:14 –

TT: Jade.

TT: My sincerest apologies for stranding you at the edge of a metaphorical cliff back there.

TT: My decision is made: I will attend the Ball of Prospit with you, as your closest friend and nothing more.

GG: !!!!

GG: awesome! :D

GG: im glad youve decided to come with me

TT: Likewise.

GG: when should i pick you up?? :o

TT: Does six-thirty P.M. sound good to you?

GG: yes it does!!!

GG: i will make sure that i am there

GG: see you then rose!!! <3

TT: I will see you then, my dearest Jade.

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 15:16 –

TT: <3

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 15:20 --

**Be Jade again.**

You are now Jade, three days in the future. The ball is tonight, and you should leave to pick up Rose in just a few minutes. You are currently inspecting yourself in the mirror. Your eyes are gleaming a bright, cheerful green, and your smile is all the cheerier. You are wearing a dazzling black dress with green/white sparkles that shimmer like the stars themselves. Two golden, orb-like earrings hang from your ears, glinting as they wave about gently. You are looking PRETTY DAMN BEAUTIFUL, if you do say so yourself. You are ready to go.

**Jade: Drive to Rose’s house and pick her up.**

Sadly, you do not have a driver’s license, and your ECCENTRIC GRANDFATHER is not here to drive you right now. You have no choice but to walk there.

**Jade: Ok, walk there then.**

You do exactly that, letting your legs carry you from your doorstep straight to hers. The journey is not too long – she only lives a few blocks away from your house. You ring the doorbell and await an answer, gazing at the resplendent night scenery. The moon hangs in the sky like a diamond, spreading it’s brilliant light onto the ground below it. There are no clouds to be seen, and so a sea of stars illuminate the sky. You are so caught up in the bedazzling view, you almost don’t notice when Rose’s mother opens the door and ushers you into the hallway.

“Jadey, come in!” she says, tipsily holding a wine glass in her hand. “So glad you could bring my daughter to the dance! You two are suuuuch a cute couple!”

“Um, thanks,” you say, “but we’re not a couple. We are just galpals, no lesbo or anything.”

“Aww…that’s lame…” her mother mumbles. She meanders over to the stairs and hollers, “Hey, Rosie, your date is here! Come down when you’re ready, ok?”

“Yes, mother!” rings Rose’s melodic voice from somewhere in the upper hallways of the house.

Rose’s mother turns back to you and smiles.

“Now, here are the rules: have her back whenever the hell you want, and if you fuck, use a condom or something. Wait, do girls even need those? Well, whatever. Just don’t get knocked up! Y’know, unless you wanna. Grandkids are cute, so I don’t really care, as long as you raise it well, like I raised my darling Rosie!”

You nod emphatically.

“Will do! Except, um, I won’t be doing that at all, since we are not going to be having sex.”

Rose’s mother scowls. “Maybe you’re trying to be on your best behaviour, but you’re loads more boring than I remember…”

**Be Rose again.**

You are now Rose, and you think you are about to panic. Jade has just knocked on your door, and your mother gone to greet her, and any moment now she is going to whisk you away for your not-date. Are you pretty enough? Is your dress flattering? Will you be able to withstand an entire night of incredibly thinly-veiled romantic gestures haphazardly tossed in your direction without a care for the damage it shall wreak on your delicate psyche?

No, no you won’t.

**Rose: Panic.**

You can’t do this. You can’t go to the ball with the girl who you love so dearly, not when she will never be able to admit to having feelings for you. Not when you cannot admit your own. The emotional turmoil is simply too great – stronger women than you have crumpled under these very circumstances, and withdrawn into cracked shells of their former selves. You see them wandering the hallways with ragged hairdos and skull-and-crossbone necklaces, listening to Linkin Park and My Chemical Romance on repeat while drawing tortured souls on their notepads.

They have succumbed to the GOTHDARKNESS, and you cannot allow this potential heartbreak to do the same to you. You need help.

**Rose: Text for help.**

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 18:33 –

TT: John.

TT: I need help.

TT: Jade is here and I don’t know what to do.

EB: oh, man. i totally forgot to talk to you about her.

EB: just between you and me (and her i guess), i’m pretty sure she has the hots for you.

TT: That is what Dave and I established in a previous conversation.

TT: But I am not convinced.

TT: And more pressingly, I am very convinced that the night cannot end well so long as our relationship is so unsure.

EB: you should just tell her how you feel.

EB: or, uh, have a big conversation about sexuality.

EB: or something.

EB: look, i gotta go, vriska’s here.

EB: good luck!

TT: John, wait.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 18:35 –

**Rose: Strengthen your resolve.**

It looks like you’ve got to go it alone. You have to tell her how you feel, and there is only one way you can think of doing it. You have to show her…YOUR DEEPEST SECRET.

**Rose: Stop being yourself.**

You stop being yourself just in time to be Jade.

Footsteps sound from the second floor and Rose descends from the staircase. She is wearing a gorgeous lavender gown which wraps around her like a silken shell, caressing her gently. Oh, if only you could be that gown! She smiles her usual enchanting smile when her gaze meets yours. Something seems off about her visage, though it is pulchritudinous as always. You can’t seem to place your finger on what the difference is.

“Ah, Jade. Your dress is absolutely lovely.”

“Y-yours is too! It’s really super pretty!” You stammer out as a response. Rose giggles softly.

“Much as I would love to abscond for the ball immediately, I have something I would like to show you first. Would you be willing to accompany me as I make the torturous climb back upstairs, to my private chambers?”

“Of course!” you respond, taking her hand immediately – and platonically!!!! – and following her upstairs.

“Ohooooooo, she’s totally gonna show you her boobies!” Ms. Lalonde calls from below you, but you both ignore her.

**Jade: Enter.**

You enter Rose’s room. The place is a mess, with discarded dresses and makeup containers strewn about haphazardly. It seems she spent a lot of time preparing for this night. Probably because she wanted to look great for her BEST GALPAL, and for no reason other than that.

“What do you want to show me? It sounds like it must be something really cool!” You say.

“Scant seconds are the only divide between yourself and the secret I am about to reveal.” Rose answers, as she stoops low to reach beneath her bed.

She shuffles for a moment and emerges carrying a journal. Your interest in it is only fleeting, for you are distracted by her eyes. Two great lilac orbs, shining above an enticing face. You are mesmerized by the pearly jewels, the piercing gaze striking the very heart of your soul. Never before in your life have you chanced across such a bedazzling shade. They are wondrous, even more so than the brown colour you used to cherish.

“Rose…your eyes…”

“Hm?” she says, taken aback. “Oh, yes! I usually wear coloured contacts, as my normal eye colour leaves me subject to astonished stares and questions I’d prefer not to be asked. Tonight, I shall attend the ball entirely as myself, baring even my abnormal ocular spheres to the world at large. They will, of course, assume that _these_ colours are contact lenses. A miniscule price to pay to express myself.

But in any case, that is not what I meant to show you.”

She hands you the journal and you take it in hand, opening it and looking it over. Rose’s handwriting is scrawled all across the pages, and the words seem to be…

“Wizard fanfiction?”

“Yes.” Rose says, looking at you with a serious expression. “This is my greatest secret. I have never told anyone about it, except…for people that I love.”

“Y-you…you love me?” you stammer, shocked. Your mind freezes up, unable to fully comprehend what you have just heard.

“Yes, Jade.” Rose says. “I love you. I don’t know why, but…every time you smile, with your adorable buck teeth and shining emerald gazers and a grin that can only be adequately described as derpy, my heart is set aflutter.”

“I…Rose, I…” you begin, but you don’t know what to say, and you choose instead to run out of the room as fast as your legs can carry you, leaving a shimmering trail of tears behind you.

**Jade: Arrive at the ball as a complete mess.**

You run straight to the Skaia High, where the ball is being held, bawling your eyes out the entire way. You nearly flatten John as you burst through the door and hear him shout, “Jade, where’s Rose?” as you pass him by. Skipping over the gymnasium, where the dancing itself is taking place, you run right into the nearest washroom and slam the door shut behind you. Regarding your reflection in the mirror, you see that your makeup is running down your tear-stained cheeks. You look ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE.

A few minutes with the sink and some towels fix your appearance but you can do nothing to mend your ACHEY (AND QUITE POSSIBLY, BREAKY) heart. You have no idea what to do. How can you continue to be best friends with Rose, knowing that she has a crush on you? What will happen to your totally platonic galpal relationship? Does she think you were leading her on this entire time?  You exit the washroom lost in thought and feeling morose. Feeling unfit for human contact, you try to slink your way into the gym without being noticed. You fail miserably.

“Hey, fuckass,” comes an obnoxiously loud voice from behind you, and you turn to see Karkat leaning against a wall with his arms crossed. “What the fuck’s up?”

You consider brushing him off, but…he is a whiz at relationship advice. You suppose it can’t hurt to tell him about your problems, and maybe have a SITUATION-ALTERING EPIPHANY as a result.

**Jade: Receive advice from Karkat.**

“Rose…told me that she loves me. And now I have no idea how I am supposed to react!” You say. Karkat simply raises an eyebrow.

“How the fuck do you think you should react? How do you feel about her?”

“W-well…she is my best friend and I love spending time with her but I am not a homosexual!”

“And what does that have to do with anything?” He sighs and takes a step towards you, putting a hand on your shoulder and giving you a very critical glare. “Do you like her? Do you want to kiss her? Because if I were a gambling man – which, for the record, I fucking am not – I would bet that you do.”

“Well, yeah, I want to kiss her, but…”

“But what? Are you going to let something as taintchafingly stupid as sexuality get in your way? Be a Rose-sexual for all I fucking care, be whatever the hell you want. Just be yourself.”

You pull away from him, frustrated, and the tears return to your eyes. They leave glossy trails down your cheeks and splatter on the floor. Karkat crosses his arms and looks away as if he doesn’t care to see you acting so pathetically.

“I’m not! I can’t be, I just can’t! Not a bisexual or a Rose-sexual or an anything sexual except a girl who likes boys!”

“You like her, fuckass. She makes you feel great, you know she does. You can’t stop yourself from being all fucking romantic with her every chance you get, even though you try and spew your ‘I don’t like her that way’ bullshit. She dingles your dangle, plain and fucking simple. Search your fucking feelings, you know it to be true.”

You think about it for a moment and the answer comes back a terrible – or is it so terrible? – yes. It is true. You’ve been touching and kissing Rose in some very not platonic ways and every time she smiles it sets your heart aflutter and makes you feel tingly and oh god you’re a lesbian

oh god

you can’t be

you’ve spent your entire life thinking you were straight you can’t be a lesbian that’s just not a thing that can be a thing right now

ha ha ha

ok

make believe time is over

**Jade: Panic.**

OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD _OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN **OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MA**NO_k you think you’re just about done freaking out.

“Are you just about done fucking freaking out?” Karkat asks.

“Yes.” you say, and you look up at him with a steeled resolve. You wipe the tears from your eyes and stand up, clenching your fist and looking towards the sky, filled to the brim with confidence.  “I am Jade Harley, and I am in lesbians with Rose Lalonde!”

“That-a fucking girl!” Karkat yells. “Now go get your date and win her right the fuck over!”

**Jade: Win her right the fuck over.**

You are ready to run right out the door, straight back to Rose’s house, and apologize endlessly. As it turns out, you need not run at all – when you turn, you see her entering the gymnasium. It looks like she has been crying, though her makeup is for the most part redone. When she spots you she looks away hurriedly and tries to meander off in a different direction, but you march right up to her and stop her from leaving.

“Rose, I’m sorry! I…I love you too.” you say. She turns to look at you, shocked. “I love you, but I couldn’t come to terms with it. But now I have! I have learned my lesson – there is absolutely nothing wrong with me liking a girl, no matter what sexuality I identify as! And now I want you to be my date, and I mean a date-date, not a just-friends date. So will you…be my date-date?”

The lights seem to focus on the two of you. Rose near a table, and you in the center of the dance floor. She glides wordlessly towards you, smiling softly. The pulsing lights catch her beautiful lavender spheres and they seem to twinkle. You reach out a hand and she takes it, and your heart leaps to feel her hand in yours.

“Of course I will, my love.” she says, and she pulls you close. A slow, wonderful song begins to play in the background as the two of you rotate around.

**[[S] Jade: Dance.](http://homestuck.bandcamp.com/track/i-dont-want-to-miss-a-thing) **

_I could stay awake, just to hear you breathing,_

_Watch you smile when you are sleeping_

_While you’re far away and dreaming…_

You feel happier than you ever have before, and you know that Rose must feel the same way. You always thought you had the best friendship one could ever ask for, but you realize now that this is even better. The two of you were meant to be.

_I could spend my life, in this sweet surrender_

_I could stay lost in this moment, forever…_

You look over Rose’s shoulder and see John waving at you. He grins and gives you a thumbs up and a wink before turning his attention to Vriska and beginning to dance with her. Dave gives you an incredibly cool nod from the corner. Karkat looks on with a triumphant sort of smirk.

_Where every moment spent with you, is a moment I treasure…_

You look Rose straight in the eyes, emerald meeting amethyst, and she smiles.

“I love you,” she whispers.

“I love you too.” you whisper back.

_I DON’T WANNA CLOSE MY EYES_

_I DON’T WANNA FALL ASLEEP_

_CAUSE I MISS YOU BABE_

_AND I DON’T WANNA MISS A THING_

Your lips meet and you feel fireworks. Her scent is sweet and she tastes sweeter, and everything feels just right. Your arms and mouth wrapped tightly around her, you linger there for what feels like a blissful eternity. When you pull away, Karkat stands up, and begins clapping. Soon, other students join in. John, and Vriska, and even Dave – ironically, that is. You look around to find the entire gymnasium cheering and applauding you.

Your heart swells up and you break out into a massive grin. This moment is everything you’ve ever dreamed it would be, and more.

**Jade: Be yourself.**

Your name is Jade Harley. You are in love with, and now in a relationship with, the prettiest girl in the world. And you are definitely, beyond any shadow of a doubt, A ROSE-SEXUAL.

**THE END**

[Epilogue: After the dance is over, and everyone begins to head home, you pull Rose into a secluded school bathroom and fuck the living daylights out of her. That’s what you’re supposed to do at the end of fics like this, right??]


End file.
